No Longer Frum

My Path Toward Unadulterated Emancipation

2010-05-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

My insular trepidation unaddressed. I flow between the people in duress. Amok with aloof worry, uncertain of my ability.

Fluent theology has defined me, its rapid intensity has ruined me, their cognitive implants have confined me, but realistic questions have freed me.

I flow beneath, I do. Through the people I see, the stories I watch, the youth unborn, my mirror unwashed.

Why is unequivocal, but an answer forbidden. Why is a wonder, its ephemerality is a never. Why is a question, not to be unfited, its answer is unheard, and has yet to be delivered.

To recapture the youth that was stolen, to embark on a life of fun, to defend tranquility as a given, to move on and away and be done.

To relive my stolen past, to recreate its elusive push, to redo it once again, to decided and then push it through.

Dreary clouds roll away, sunlight breaks. A day is born again, and tomorrows promises elate.

I will lean on its complexity and fulfill the if to its full. I may look at others and follow, even if that is a fool.

I now recreate and live on, define life as I see fit. I leave behind my darkness, to live as an emancipated elite.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Picture Of the Rebbe

2010-05-13T16:06:00.001-07:00

I'm visit my parent house, I see a card on the floor, so I bend down to pick it up. It's not a card it's a small picture of the Rebbe. I automatically draw the to my mouth to kiss is before I put away.....

I jerk back in amused thoughtfulness when I realized what I was about to do. I smile and think to myself, "I guess my friend was right".

Burnt Out

2010-04-12T16:41:00.000-07:00

In a moment of clarity I realized that because I gave it all in the frum world I am so afraid to really go all the way for anything ells. The effort for college is closer to half ass attempt. I am totally burned out.

I assume that this is felt more by ppl who “frayed out” a little later in life.

Ok I need therapy- but I wanted to share it with you chevreh first....

Chometz or No Chometz

2010-03-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

So these girls at school were quoting the bible about Pesach how if you eat Chometz you get kures. Now I'm conflicted to perhaps keep Pesach (and kick off a diet), or take this opportunity to get "cut off".

Kurest, Chassidus explains is.... Ok there is 5 levels to the Nishama - ruach, nefesh, nishomoh, chayuh, yechidah. The inyan of kures is ....

Why am I still dealing with these things?

I found it interesting that many secular Jews refrain from eating "Hametz" on Pesach as well.

2010-03-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

Oy usually I am very supportive of people no matter what general direction they decide to go.

This morning while talking to some Jewish kid in college, I gave such a "vish up" about this whole bull shit concept of freedom on Pesach, and how real freedom is doing and eating whatever the hell you want on Pesach. He got so insulted. I didn't realize that he was frum (he was wearing a huddy).

I think I said sorry to him, but I now have to tshuvah between me and the aibishter.

2010-03-14T23:16:00.001-07:00

This clip makes me sad... if you feel that the Kol Nidrei sucks, (mine is better btw :) then just skip the first three minutes of the film.

Oy I Ate... Bacon!

2010-03-11T21:53:00.001-08:00

Wow I can't believe I ate bacon, it's disgusting!

It's actually very good, but ich it's chazer!

Just another step farther away, just another step freer....

I decided to finally put my past behind me and only look to the future. It's the best decision anyone can make. I literally imagined turning around in a long tunnel away from the past and in towards the future.

BTW I may eat bacon but I will NOT be touching gebrux this Pesach....

GEBRUUUUUUUX!!!

2010-03-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

"wow wooow WOW!!!!! WATCH OUT! GEBRUUUUUX!"

Apparently there are some terrible things on this world:

The Ebola virus

The Holocaust

Gebrux

Drinking OUTSIDE the Sukkah

Serial killers

Purposely Fray

2010-01-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

So,

Those people that have a purpose and work towards a goal that is greater then themselves tend to be happier and feel more fulfilled.

The Frum world has it, Chabad has it, and the (Israeli) army has it.

In the liberated fray world, where is to be found?

Yiddisheh "Wisdom" From My Father...

2010-01-19T21:48:00.000-08:00

Some outlooks on life:

"The Reform movement started in Germany= and that's where the holocaust happened"

"Because they said that even god can not sink the titanic= god proved them wrong"

"He said he wanted to marry a "Modern" girl= now god showed him and he has marriage problems"

Haiti & the Krankeh Shliach

2010-01-18T09:11:00.000-08:00

"So, why does god do such a thing to people in Haiti????" asks the Shliach while focusing only on the mens section, "it is to reaffirm the faith the Jewish people have in him because we don't understand why god does such things" he then adds, "but we have to believe in god enough so that he shouldn’t have to do thing like this"

Nebach!

College Friends

2009-12-09T17:29:00.000-08:00

At college I made friends with...... Frum people! Is it ironic or am I just more comfortable around Frum people?

I did make other friends as well. i made friends with a Chinese kid, a black kid, a nerd, like 5 black girls, the people behind the counter at the deli, all my professors, the guy who I always talk to when I see him but I don't know his name and of course by now it's really too late to ask ..... lol

Almost Done

2009-12-09T17:25:00.000-08:00

I’m almost done my first semester in college. The classes I took on Shabbos where much better then Challah. The road of freedom is lonely, but perhaps worth it.

Bosor B'cholov or Not?

2009-10-07T17:15:00.000-07:00

Is kosher meat with Kosher cheese heated in a microwave, considered real authentic bosor bicholov?

Every time I try I always have a wise guy tell they both must be kosher food and cooked together.

Is a microwave considered cooking? According to whom is it not considered cooking? If you go according to that shita that holds that microwaving isn’t kosher, AND technically the hotdogs are already cooked, so according to the Rashal ……

Chosid=Loser

2009-10-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

(The names, dates, and ages have been changed)
So I was 12 or 13 years old and it on Shabbos afternoon. After the Davening in 770 finished I was walking together with my father, brother, and some random people to a Kiddush where a friend of the family was celebrating something. The sun was out and shining in my face although it was chilly outside.

The weather was uncomfortable and the atmosphere was glum for just a few months ago the beloved Lubavitcher Rebbe had passed away....

Always the inquisitive one, I would make sure to walk near the adults so I could listen in to their passionate effusive conversations, besides it was always more interesting then what the kids my age were saying.

I overheard a conversation that has affected me until today. Moshe, a contemporary of my father, asked my father "Dovid, do you think Reb Avrohom is a Chassidishe Yid?” I strained my ear as best possible to hear the response, after all that’s exactly what I wanted to be, a "Chassidishe Yid", that was the ultimate! "Yes" was my fathers unwavering opinion. "Why?" Asked Moshe, "He's a Chassidishe Yid," my father explained “becomes he has nothing- no money, no family… er hut gurnishet".

Let's put away the concepts of success, happiness, alpha male, Chavreman, go getter. I am at a loss of words to explain how, don’t know what work to use, loserish was.

In my experience this horrible outlook on life wasn’t only felt and taught by a few, but sadly it is a concept that permeates the community as a whole.
With the backdrop of its history, Chabad has a lot to be proud of and continues to personify the self sacrifice of Russian Jewry etc. I am extremely proud that not so distant relatives actually saved people during the holocaust at the peril of their own demise.

However, to bring up a whole generation with this pathetic outlook and negative thirst toward not enjoying the basic accomplishments of the human being and even worse to to promote
a looser as a Chasid,
having a crazy wife as a good Mashpia,
making crap out of someone as a Farbrengen,
ruining someones property as a "good Farbrengen", is plain wrong.

I for one want to be the biggest loser in the eyes of the community!

Weird

2009-10-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

I sit in your sukkah- I am one of you.
I eat at your Shabbos meal - I am one of you.
I agree with your vort - I am one of you.
I sing the niggunim - I even inspire you.

I hate you and all that you stand for.
I will destroy you and all that you consider holy.
You are bad you are nil.
You make me sick, you make me ill.

L'chaim.... mir zul (TAKEH) veren chassidim!

"Ah Shvereh Leben"

2009-10-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

In Yeshivah they always promoted a hard life, lack of sleep, and lack of enjoyment.

The historical basis for this propensity comes from a nostalgic desire to relive the hard days of communist Russia. Starting with the 1917 communist revolution followed by the purges of the 30s, religious Jews and Chassidim in particular were targeted by the communist government. It was a hard life for Chassidim, and many were actually killed for trying to preserve Jewish life.

Fast forward to the end of the 20th century go into the halls and minds of the Chabad Yeshivah system you will find that the ongoing overall outlook on life has a foundation which is deeply rooted on reliving that difficult past. They are so impressed and inspired by the stories of "Mesiras Nefesh" (self sacrifice) that they feel guilty for not facing these same challenges on a daily basis.

For example, examine the simple thought process that would play itself out with this type of looserish self deprivation. The Yeshiva boy thinks to himself “After all, if Mendle Futerfas "mistakenly" fell off a boat just to go to the Mikveh, then how dare I enjoy a good night sleep, put on warm clothe, and go to the Mikveh with a clean towel?” Another demented train of thought, “If some Chassidim (supposedly) broke ice in the early winter morning, in Shtetelgrad, just to go to the Mikveh before Davening, how dare I drink coffee before Davening and enjoy it with sugar.”

This sick pathetic injustice that has been done to a generation is not only sad but eternally damaging. I sit down to study math and it’s going well, but all of a sudden I have this (not so subconscious) feeling of guilt about being so comfortable and not struggling, I am having it too “easy”.

I realize that I may never truly get away from this negative, difficult, self-destructive outlook, so my personal revenge is to break Shabbos and piss on everything holy. Not that the two equate, but what ells am I suppose to do? Besides, it feels good and it believe it or not, it helps!

This is my rant

Tshuvah!!!

2009-09-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

Since this is the time that some ppl want to “repent” and say sorry. My father told me that I together with all my friends who frayed out and embarrassed their families will all "burn in hell!”

HAHA, I was gonna ask him if he is welcoming me into his frum life.

Traif

2009-09-30T07:03:00.000-07:00

Sunday afternoon…. Sitting in an outdoor restaurant on the water... so relaxed... my friend actually paid for the meal - corn beef with hot melted cheese! This is the first time that I have actual traif in front of me, for me… I sat there not totally sure if I should go for it... should I cross that “line”… as usual when I am faced with such decisions I look back at the horrible negativities of the frum world and I realize that this is what it takes…. I picked up the soft (non yoshon lol) bread and I took a bite.... awesome! The traif corn beef with the melted cheese tasted really good.

Traif is good because;
A. it's cheaper then kosher
B. It tastes good
C. It helps you get rid of the last shemetz of Yiddishkait and especially that sickness called Chassidishkait.

On the other side of the coin, my Neilah Davening made two ppl cry..... Sukkos is coming up and honestly, I miss the Rebbe.... every year on Simchas Torah I become very nostalgic for the Rebbe....

I am in college now which is AWESOME. Simply put, college is a place were one can pursue education. For the first time in my life I realized that education can actually be an enjoyable thing. This is in stark contrast to Yeshivah which is not only a horrible waste of time but literally takes life out of people.

Essay for College Grant. Any Comments?

2009-08-16T15:51:00.000-07:00

Growing up in a strict Jewish ultra orthodox Chabad community, I was only minimally exposed to any form of secular education. About a year ago I started working on my GED and I eagerly studied the basics of math, science, history and writing. Initially, I learned how to properly structure a sentence and other basic writing rules for the first time, but have since delved into the art of creative writing. This knowledge is extremely liberating to say the least because I no longer have penmanship limitations.

Going to college is a whole new experience for me. I am extremely excited about attending college for the first time and I am looking forward to exploring the halls of knowledge and diverse outlooks on life and culture. I am energized and thrilled to finally study all those subjects that I have always wondered about. My plan is to major in music and minor in history; although once I get started with the liberal arts classes I may seek out other areas that interest me such as psychology and finance.

My future will certainly be affected by going to college because I keep on hitting a wall when practically every job requires some sort of degree. I have completed Rabbinical School with honors but this type of degree holds no water in the secular world.

Much of my past is marked by community work. I have successfully led many outreach projects and community events. I have given innovative classes on Jewish history and law, I raised funds for a community calendar, and I co-led a trip of 40 people to Israel. Even now, I continually encourage my family and friends to get their GED or at least peruse some sort of basic education. With that in mind, I certainly see my career being marked by the same motivation, although I am yet to decide on exactly what route to take.

Open House and Open Mind

2009-05-23T06:07:00.000-07:00

So I went to the open house at Kingsboro College.

After the welcoming (sales) speech I proceeded to the next section of the open house which took place in a huge room overlooking the ocean. I walked in and was amazing to say the least spread across the room were tables upon tables each one representing another subject being taught at college. For me this was like what Gan Eden would be for a misnaged (lol!). Here are real college professors ready to explain, to me, subjects that I am dying to learn about. Naturally, I go straight to the psychology table and not realizing who professors are etc I jokingly ask the women if she does any pro- bono work! She gives me this coldish look and I excuse myself while I sit down to hear what its all about. Turns out after two years I can get an actual professional although low level job, something I always knew but never was never so tangible.

Next I stop by the geek squad, the Library table. This girl-professor looks like the oldest she can be is maybe 23 but apparently she did double masters plus regular college plus a PHD which adds up to a lot of years in school (is it just me or is asking someone were they bought their PHD make you look Peter Griffin?). Anyway, I was gonna ask her for her number but I know I can just bump into her anytime at the library. Being that she had no one on line to ask her any questions I asked her to explain to me some basics like what in the world a credit is and what that thing I always hear people at footsteps yapping about, their GPA. She actually thought I was making fun of her! Here is a seemingly intelligent person dressed like an average American, no accent at all, but is totally clueless about the classes’ structure or credits etc. I was compelled to explain myself and I told her briefly “Grew up in Crown Heights, went to Yeshivah all my life, was never at a college before”. I got that “ok” look from her but now I know that my GPA will be 4.0 or above!

The next table I went to was really something I never even heard of in my life: apparently they have a special section in college just for people, with disabilities. Wow, I mean in Yeshivah they don’t even recognize disabilities (I know I know, Frum people are the kindest people in the world- hahahah). Anyway, in yeshivah they don’t laugh at psychology or the understanding of mind or human nature that’s because they never even heard of that concept. They study chassidush which supposedly teaches you about the inner workings of the mind and heart etc but unfortunately religion plays a big role and defeats its ostensible purpose. Anyway this table has a board with pictures of famous people on it. Turns out Steven shpielberg is ADD and Abraham Lincoln had a “mood disorder”. Fuckin frum people have this disdain for anything with a name on that professes and air of professionalism, they are threatened by those “evil” forces. I get to chat with this hot Italian professor that is manning the syco (“Pulneh Mishgineh!”) table. Turns out that she her parents are immigrants from Italy and like frum Jews they despise any form of therapy etc. I compulsively ask her out (“would you go out with a Jewish guy?”) and she enlightens me to the fact that unless I already graduated, I should try to refrain ever asking out a professor…. Margret Goldstock is the history professor; she loves my passion and wants me to be part of the honor program.

College is no heaven, most probably just another sales company and a scum world like corporate America. However, all the shit I ever heard about college and how college isn’t important, is just not true. Just another lie dispelled.

I saw Brooklyn College, I "saw" my future...

2009-03-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

I moved out of my neighborhood, thank G-D! (or Darwin, whatever lol). I was walking around the streets of Flatbush looking for a quiet place to study my GED. I called up my friend (this friend actually moved AWAY from Flatbush while I moved away TO Flatbush) to find a place that is quiet. She directed me to a Starbucks near Brooklyn College.

For some reason I always imagined Brooklyn College to be some run down place, or a collection of old buildings that have small classes etc.

As I walked through the entrance to the college I was overwhelmed and awed! The place was beautiful! I was so taken by the imposing buildings, the neatly cut grass, the smell, the people walking briskly to and fro, on their to study and acquire knowledge. as I was experiencing this, I also "smelled" the Mivtzoim (outreach) that I used to on campus for Chabadback in the day....

The last time I was at a campus I was actually stopping people to asking them to shake Lulav and Esrog. Ochol hamoed Sukkos, instead of Godforbid having anytime for myself, I worked for four days straight, standing for hours at a time, getting people to do the mitzvoh of the 4 minim. On a side note, the Shliach I was staying at forgot to serve full meals to me and my friend, we also had crickets in our room! I shouldn't really complain, we were there for a Shlichus, and in Russia people died so I guess that makes it all good....

Anyway, I see my future. I am studying my GED as hardest as I can, I will get a great mark, and I will hopefully, please GOD (or intelligent design) be in college by September. I will be soaking up the knowledge and making up for my lost years of work that went towards the cause.

Fuckin Annoying - Shabbos!

2009-01-24T12:29:00.000-08:00

I am preparing something that must to be done today - Shbbaos. I am breaking Shabbos and all that keeps on driving into my head is the fear that it will be a failure because I am breaking Shabbos. I therefore may end up sabotaging myself.
When will this fear go away?!!!! are there any grounds for it? or are all the scary stories about people breaking Shabbos and loosing out just propaganda?

If They Are All Wrong...

2009-01-11T16:56:00.000-08:00

If they are all wrong and we are just being fooled all the time by different forces and these forces are robbing us then….

In college, they steal your intellect, they steal your mind.

In business, they steal your money, they steal your time.

In prison, they steal your freedom, they steal your choice.

In the Frum community – THEY STEAL YOUR LIFE, THEY STEAL YOUR SOUL!

Shabbos Morning.....

2008-08-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

His voice emanates throughout the air, he is a beautiful chazzan, he is very much enjoyed by the congregants. Quiet murmurs of Davening are heard throughout the small but comfortable Shul, but when the chazzan starts to sings all grow silent except for those who are loving his melodies and can’t help but to sing along. The chazzan, his name is Chaim, is wearing a Tallis and singing very beautifully, his style is a throwback to the original way of davening from back in the day, yet he is able to transform it and modernize it so the people can relate. When the chazzan is finished Shachris he is then welcomed to davene Musaf, his powerful voice is heard throughout the room Keser is a success! The crowed is happy, the chazzan was great, he really made the Davening more enjoyable, he inspired the audience. It all looks good.....

No one knows that just a few hours ago Chaim was at a club breaking every Shabbos and every Jewish Law he ever grew up with, no one in the Shul would ever imagine that the night before (Friday night) Chaim or "Sean" ate at a jazz club, paid for the food, drove in a car, met up with friends, and dressed more like a punk rock star then a religious Jew..…

Decisions Based on Emotion...

2008-08-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

I am so distressed! My mind is racing! I wonder these days…. Is it wrong to do something purely based on emotion? If the answer is “yes!” and “fraying out” because of an emotional reason would be wrong then let me tell you that you’ll never know until you experience it yourself to understand what the other person went through. That person had no choice but to "run" away and leave behind all the negativity that was tied into being frum? I spoke to a frum therapist. He said that just because someone has personal issues, why should religion be the first thing to go?

Good Question! Ok, let’s take item by item;

Friday night? Would I like to suffer through a Shabbos meal, a meal filled with negativity hearing about everyone who is sick and dying, being criticized constantly, and looked at by my parents like a radchmonus case because I am not married yet?

Teffilin: do I want to put on Teffilin and ruin my day? Teffilin has three different concepts. Putting mind over matter, remembering our escape from Egypt (translating that as an escape from out personal Egypt etc), and refining the world (Teffilin is leather which can be used for shoes) and making it something holy. (Ha! In my chabad days I used to tell people all the good things Teffilin can bring, which it may for some people) Teffilin for me is a negative experience, it reminds me and brings me back to the frum negative world.
Kosher: Kosher works well for me actually.
Dating: Don’t get me started, but the frum world is so messed up when it comes to dating. Why should I have to “settle” for a frum girl if she won’t “settle” for me when we all “settle” for each other? Should I suffer through the humiliating process or should I look for alternatives. I believe in honesty and so far the secular world of dating is very confusing for me….

Should I Stay Frum

2008-04-22T21:54:00.000-07:00

I grew up Frum - In a frum community - first thing is I don't know how to write but I will do my best.... I am going through a hard time now figuring out what I wanna do. Should I stay frum? well technically I am not frum but the real question is - should I move away from the neighborhood or should I stay here? (My neighborhood represents a lot of pain. When I walk down the main avenue I become unhappy.)
Should I consider myself “secular” and strive to life a “secular” lifestyle or should I just be a frum person? Should I stay here or should I move away?